so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
