sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
