I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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