Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
