3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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