this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
