I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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