Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
