I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
