we're chasing vodka with high fives
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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