the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
