our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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