i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
