I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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