After last night, I could never be a politician.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
