cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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