no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
