Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
