i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
