I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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