I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
