Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
