tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
