I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
