FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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