I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
