At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
