Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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