Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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