Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
