And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
