there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
