I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
