To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
