U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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