last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
