there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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