my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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