Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Too much gin, very little bucket
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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