she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize