I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
