i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize