Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
