Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
