Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
