That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
