i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
