Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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