My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
