Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
