Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
