I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
