So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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