for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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