I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
