I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
