umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
