I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
