Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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