Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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