I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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