Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize