So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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